love is...

I want to share another quote that came up in class the other day. The topic of that day's class was "love." In an effort to define "love" my prof shared a bit of writing from a book called 'All About Love' (I think that it is by Bell-Hooks.).

What do you think of this definition of love? Keep in mind this is a definition given at my enormous liberal state university. Pretty interesting...

Love is..
"..The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or anothers [appropriate] spiritual growth."

I added the word "appropriate" because I think that we can get into trouble when we assume that love looks similarly for all people. Also, the definition is not exclusively Christian, which makes it interesting. Are we talking about spiritual growth toward whatever god that person esteems or does "spiritual growth" in this case necessarily mean encouraging someone toward a thriving communion with Jesus?

I have been stewing over this lately..
What do you think? leave a comment if you'd like. :)

some thoughts I've been having

I haven't been blogging as much lately for a few reasons. One reason is that my thoughts are in so many different places, it would be difficult to write a cohesive blog. Another reason is that I have been incredibly busy and blogging has not been much of a priority. However, who is to say that I have to write a cohesive blog?

Some thoughts I have been having:

---I need to make an effort to slow down. How did I allow myself to get so busy? I am realizing that I am a bit too optimistic about how much I can handle. I have a great deal of faith in my ability to do a thousand things at once. To be sure, I'm good at it...BUT I'm not sure that it is good for me. There's the catch. I'm great at multi-taskin. However, I think that often my multitasking skills are keeping me from the important parts of this journey with Jesus, namely meditation, silence, prayer, rest, and the ability to be available to bless others spontaneously. I think that multi-tasking is a great skill, but I have allowed it to be so much a part of how I function that I forget the importance of rest, silence, and stillness. I have a hunch that I'm not the only one who lives like this...

---I'm so blessed and so priveleged. I have choices. Choices are a result of privilege. I have decided to move out of my house and to relocate across town. Moving to Portland has been a great experience overall. However, living 30 min from school, 45 min from family, and 35 min from good friends, and 35 min from church has been taxing. I don't have enough good music in my car to make the distance worthwhile. (I'm kidding)...But really, I'm thankful that I have the ability to choose to change my situation. I'm thankful that I have the option of moving closer to school, friend, family, and church (essentially my community). I'm also incredibly blessed in that I have good friends and I have only been living in Portland for a few months. My honorary family, as well, lives here in Portland and has taken me in for the holidays (and cooked an INCREDIBLE meal!) and that feels great. Yesterday, on Thanksgiving morning, we started the day with a game of football, played Rummikub as a family, watched Miracle on 34th street (the old black and white version, which makes me feel all cozy), and ate a delicious meal! Football, games, old movies, great food and great people - it was my kind of holiday! :)

---Sometimes I take myself a bit too seriously. I have been trying to loosen up a bit and enjoy myself a little more, instead of worrying or being so caught up in "shoulds" and "coulds"....I'm trying to enjoy a bit more spontanaeity, adventure, rest, and craziness! It has been fun. I'm also playing a lot more. I played Wii for the first time the other day. I lost (barely) at boxing and tennis, but I came back and trampled my buddy in bowlng. I think that I'm a better virtual bowler than I am in reality. Now I just need to go bowling a bit more and remember all the skills that I'm learning on Wii.... haha.


Other thoughts...
-Its not as much fun to be a Mavericks fan when I don't live in Dallas. I miss watching the games with the fam...
-The weather really does affect my mood. I'm especially thankful for sunshine these days. I got pretty spoiled in Santa Barbara and even in Dallas since the sun shines so much there.
-Regularly traveling is a healthy thing for me. It helps me to appreciate where I live and engages a part of my soul that I really enjoy. I went to Seattle last weekend. I had a fabulous time with my friend, BrennA (http://brealrosey.blogspot.com/). We ate some incredible food, walked all over downtown and along the waterfront, explored the market, and went to see Ben Harper in concert. It was a delightful way to spend two days, and when I came home I appreciated Portland even more. It made me extra thankful for Portland and I was able to retrieve a freshness in the way that I see my life here.
-I have been thiking about this funny thing we call "dating." I am realizing that I compartmentalize this part of my life. I'm either totally unaware that I'm a 23 year-old single female, or I'm very aware of it. It is like a switch or a dual personality. I don't just let things be what they are. I compartmentalize everything. Perhaps it is a professional thing or a control thing, but I just have no fluidity with this area of my life. Here I am calling it an "area of my life"...do you see what I mean? It may not always be helpful to corner off my romantic life and keep it contained from the rest of my life until I'm ready to engage it. Life is life. Sometimes it involves romance and dating and sometimes it doesn't....but we can't completely control that and that's alright. Sometimes things just are.
-I also think that because I just wrote the above that some of my friends are now tempted to call me and ask if there is anyone new in my life. That makes me smile and chuckle.
-I have been much more open lately to not knowing what lies ahead for me in the future. I'm a lot more contented to enjoy the present and see what happens. I don't need to figure out what exactly I want to do with my Masters degree right now...I've only been in grad school for a couple of months...there is still time and I am interested and capable of a lot of things. No need to worry or stress. Just enjoy the education. :)


Those were a lot of thoughts. What are your thoughts as you read this?

Forgiveness

A quote that was brought up in one of my classes today:

"Forgivness is letting someone into your heart that you wouldn't necessarily let into your home."

Do you belive there is some truth to this?
Have you ever had to forgive in this way?

Sometimes perhaps we choose to forgive even when it would be unwise to enter back into relationship with someone. We do not invite them back into our lives, but we do forgive the past and wish them a pleasant fulture to the best of our ability.

Something I'm marinating on. I would be interested to know what other people think....

these are a few of my favorite things

A quick list of some of my favorite experiences over the last couple of weeks:

1. Watching the world series with Christine and Gregory, while drinking a "Hot Tamale" (Beer with REAL chili peppers in it! Sssss!!!!)

2. Planning an imaginary world-traveling caravan of CR Master's Students with my new PSU friends, Dimitri and Mindy. Dimitri believes that it will actually happen. Mindy and I contend that we will only go on this caravan if in fact it travels on camelback through North Africa... In all seriousness, thinking about returning to "far away" and seeing new sights in exotic places is bewitching. Sometimes I refuse to let my thoughts go there.

3. Playing in the autumn leaves with Christine! Autumn is the season of the year I cherish most.

4. Celebrating Brandi's birthday with crepes and a movie. I had a crepe with feta, field greens, basil pesto, tomato, and mozzarella! Yummmm.... If I can't be in France, it's the best way to go! We saw 'Dan in Real Life' and I think I laughed from the first line to the last. The characters were hilarious.

5. David Crowder/Phil wickham concert! The Crystal Ballroom is the kind of venue that I appreciate most. It has an antique feel from the bubble-shaped lights around the windows. Plus, the ballroom floor, which is on the second story, bounces up and down!

6. Visiting the Evergreen community last weekend. It felt like home in a refreshing way, and yet was very particularly Portland. I want to get to know them better. I think they are the group of people I've been looking for.

7. Learning to appreciate both the soggy days and the sunny days. Seeing sunsets for a few days has been invigorating. I have had a difficult time not seeing the sun or the moon for a couple of weeks. I rather enjoy the rain...just not every day. I suppose I'm not an Oregonian yet. Perhaps someday I will feel differently.

Half of what?

In the morning as I am pouring myself a cup of coffee, as my thoughts begin to become cohesive, I mix in a little creamer to make my coffe facy and yummy. Over the last week or so, in the middle of this process I ask myself this question: How is it possible that Half and Half be fat free? I thought "half and half" meant half cream, half milk... am I wrong here? This is the great mystery of my mornings...

[Have you seen it in the grocery store or used it? Did it only recently come on the market?]

This morning, I checked the label. "Ingredients: Nonfat milk, milk*, corn syrup solids, artificial color**, sugar, dipotassium phosphate, sodium citrate, mono and diglycerides*, carageenan, natural and artifical flavors, vitamin A palmitate.

*Adds a trivial amount of fat

**An ingreadient not normally found in half and half."

Hmmm....all of those -ates and -ides. and-- artificial colors are kinda strange. Its kind of like those Olean chips that came out a few years ago. Everyone was excited that the chips had less fat or something...then they read the label and realized that they contained bizarre ingredients with unfortunate side effects. Maybe we want our good ole reliable fat back again...

As I am reading the label, since I have not yet consumed said coffee, my brain is not able to figure out deep mysteries of the universe such as these, and I sort of grunt, return the half and half to the fridge and finish cooking my egg and toast. MMMMmmmmm....

There is beauty in this: responding to disappointment with humitily and grace

I forgot my best friend, Kate's, birthday last week. Have you ever done that? It feels awful. In this case, however, there were some surprises and delights.

I had been in the middle of a very stressful conflict with someone else in my life. In need of her support and honest criticism, I called my dear friend, Kate, several times during the week. We had some conversations that were deeply beneficial to me in understanding how to respond to this particular person in a gracious and appropriate way. On Friday (my friend's birthday) I was driving alone through rush hour traffic, felt overwhelmed with the conflict, and knew that I needed a friend in that moment. I called Kate and we talked for a few minutes, but she was running out the door. The next day, when I called to finish our conversation, I asked her what she had done the night before. "Some people took me out for ice cream because yesterday was my birthday."

It felt like my breath had been knocked out of my chest. I had no words.

I hope that I never forget how she responded. What a woman she is! [Gentlemen, she's single!]

She told me that it did not matter that I had not remembered her birthday. I, of course, thought she was full of it, and protested. But, she said, the greatest present a friend can receive is to know that she is truly considered a friend. When I was in need, when I needed someone whom I could trust and whom I knew truly cared for me and knew me, it was her. And besides, she said, she had practically forgotten my birthdays for the past 2 years (I know...it's something we will both try to work on).

What struck me about this was what she did not say, and how well I knew that she meant what she did say. In the context of our relationship, her birthday was about my needs on that day. Birthdays are a huge deal in my family, and I was, in a way, brought up to expect them to be all about me. I am still trying to detox myself from extravagant birthday expectations now that I am in my twenties. I think Kate grew up much the same way. Still, we have an unstated understanding that were the situation reversed, I would gladly spend my birthday on the phone with her if she needed me.

The sacrifice and selflessness required of a deep and true friendship is a beautiful thing. What a beautiful friend I have! and what a beautiful friendship we share that she can confidently know that I love her based on all the ways we care for one another every other day of the year.

I hope to remember the humility and selflessness with which Kate saw this situation. There will be future disappointments of this kind in my life and I want to reflect the kind of godliness and beauty that Kate does when my turn comes up. I tend to have HUGE expectations for just about everything and then I get disappointed. I think that how we deal with disappointment tells a lot about our character. It's easy to act like a big baby when we are disappointed. When we are disappointed, I think it is necessary to back up and examine the broader picture of what is going on. Kate knew that last friday was not only her birthday, but that it was a tough day for me. I'm thankful that I have good examples of what it means to respond to disappointment with character and perspective. Now I don't really have an excuse for acting like a baby when I'm disappointed. :) Thanks Kate! haha.

for love's sake

I have been encountering some beautiful words and some beautiful music lately.

Thursday evening, I had the good fortune to be able to attend the Remedy Tour, and was able to hear both Phil Wickham and David Crowder Band. Good music is refreshing to the soul like cool water poured over the senses. It was a great night. I would go see them again tomorrow night if I were given the chance. I cannot believe that Phil is only 21 years old. He's one of those people who make me anxious to discover more of my giftings and to live into them more. I both delight and grow restless being in the presence of people like that. :)

I am reading Desmund Tutu's "No Future Without Forgiveness" detailing the reconciliation process in post-apartheid South Africa. I'm reading in Palio, a local coffee shop with delightfully large windows that allow me to observe this soggy Portland day. There are some trees outside ablaze with the feeling of autumn. It is a good day.

But about the book...it has nearly brought me to tears (of joy) as I read about the amazing forgiveness that people have offered after such atrocities to their loved ones. Tutu's is a crafty wordsmith, and I have been enjoying his skill with language. I would like to share some of the beautiful things that he has said that have made an impression on me:

"In this theology, we can never give up on anyone because our God was one who had a particularly soft spot for sinners. The Good Shepherd in the parable Jesus told had been quite ready to leave ninety--nine perfectly well-behaved sheep in the wilderness to look for, not an attractive, flufy little lamb - flufy little lambs do no usually stray from their mummies - but for the troublesome, obstreperous old ram. This was the one on which the Good Shepherd expended so much energy. When he found it, it is highly unlikely to have had beautiful fleece. It would have almost certainly have been thoroughly bedraggled and perhaps fallen into a ditch of dirty water and was thus smelling to high heaven. That was the sheep the Good Shepherd had gone after, and when he found it he did not pinch his nostrils in disgust. No, he took it and placed it gently on his shoulders and returned home to throw a party because he had found this lost one. And Jesus says there is GREATER joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine needing no repentence."

"God loves me as I am to help me become all that I have it in me to become, and when I realize the deep love God has for me, I will strive for love's sade to do what pleases my Lover. Those who think this opens the door for moral laxity have obviously never been in love, for love is much more demanding than law."

At the concert, David Crowder said something beautifully profound that I think is a lot of what Tutu is writing about. He said, "If we [Christians] can only live like we sing, the world will surely be a better place." Amen. Let it be so.

embodied: its what's on the inside that counts

art
I had an experience last night that gave me such great joy and a childlike fascination as I reflected over it today. I can honestly say that today was made sufficiently more enjoyable by last night's adventures.

Yesterday, after I spent a good portion of the day on the couch reading for class and sampling all our teas, I decided that I would have a little adventure. I heard that there was an exhibit at the OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry) that was not to be missed. I phoned one of my new Portland friends and we made a midnight visit to see Bodyworlds 3. The exhibit contains actual deceased people's bodies that have been preserved using a process called Plastination. It was obvious that a group of people with significant artistic vision designed the exhibit. Each body was placed in such wonderously beautiful poses, depicting the wonderous strength and originality of the human system. The exhibit was open 24-hrs/day this weekend, so people can come see an exhibit featuring dead people into the wee hours of the night! ...creepy! The intricacy with which the human body has been designed and constructed was stunning. Viewing these muscular forms, I realized how seldom I think about what goes on under the skin. These people were not textbook photos, they were actual living beings at one time, now posing in front of me so artfully, some doing actions that I do, their muscles and tissues in full view. I cannot believe how well we are made. It all fits together so tightly in this compact package of our bodies. The bones provide structure, the tissue cushiones the bones, the muscles provide strength for movement, the nervous system gives the commands...It works so well.

I drove to worship this morning with visions of these bodies in my head. And it hit me all of a sudden - this joy and beauty - that the Creator of the earth and the stars, the heavens and the skies, He took on this form. I thought about all the muscles and the organs. God. God who fashioned humans from his very Words saw our need and took on the form of a human to redeem us. God who created our bodies to feel pain and pleasure, He left the comfort of the heavens to embody himself in the person of Jesus. I thought about the embryos in the exhibit, and it stuns me that this wonderful God took the form of a peanut-sized embryo in the belly of a virgin. He put on flesh and dwelt on the earth in bodily form. I cannot fathom it. The human body seems to me infinitely more beautiful in light of this reality.

This morning's sermon was about Genesis 1. God took seven days to create the earth. He took 9 months to come out of the womb. He went through infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. God was present in the process. God was a part of the process.

I feel both soothed and stoked to think of God undergoing the human processes of birth and life. He took his time. He felt it all. He identifies. He sees us. He loves us. He has redeemed us through the body he created and embodied and raised from the dead. Amazing.

We truly are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Jesus, meet PSU! . . . PSU, meet Jesus?

I have had two weeks of class so far, and I am getting acquainted with Portland State University and the culture of Portland more and more.

In my classes I hear all sorts of interpretations of what "love" and "peace" and "mercy" are from my classmates and professors. Everything seems so relative and aimless and empty without its grounding in Jesus. He is so beautiful and lovely. In the midst of studying peace and reconciliation I am constantly reminded that it is he who provides the ability for love, peace, forgiveness, and mercy. How do we forgive others? How? The act of forgiveness is often painfully difficult. I suppose I am at PSU to hear how people forgive when the do not know Jesus. I don't think that I would forgive anyone if I didn't have a profound example of forgiveness in my life, and even then, I would need th capacity. Jesus provides both for me. The way and the light.

My professor was grasping in the air trying to explain what "mercy" was by definition, and I wanted to whisper "jesus." And my classmates were trying to discuss the meaning of justice, and I so desperetely wanted to say "God!" He is wonderfully just.

I am in a whole new context and culture here in Portland and in my university. It is like nothing I have ever experienced. It is wonderous. It keeps me ever fascinated and contemplating.

It is a culture that finds Christianity abrasive. In many ways, I don't blame them. Some of the people who call themselves Christians seem abrasive to me. Amidst this culture that is a melting pot for spirituality, I am finding ways of being invitational and helpful at helping people to get past their stereotypes, but it is a whole new world here, and I'm taking my time learning what is and is not helpful to say and do right away. The things they want and desire are actually what Jesus offers them, but they do not know that it is offered. And I sit beside them, and pray and talk to Jesus and ask Him to introduce Himself to them.

There is a real hostility toward Christianity here, but people generally appreciate Jesus. They are curious about Him. They want to use His example. I am not spending nearly enough time with Him that I might look like him. Here's a strange thought I have been having: I'm realizing that I perhaps need to spend more time with Jesus than I do with the Church, that I might look more like Him. I need the Church. The Church is my family. However, I have realized that it's fairly easy for me to look like the Church, but not as natural or easy to look like Jesus. I'm a follower or Jesus. I need the Church, but sometimes I get confused about what it means to follow Jesus as I am immersed in it. does that make sense?

...just some thoughts I've been having...

.

What did I do?

I've been having one of those "WHAT THE HECK DID I DO?!!!" sort of weeks in regards to moving to Portland and choosing to go to PSU (Portland State University). It seems that in every way possible I am not in Texas, at Westmont, or (this may be a bit too honest or raw for some people ) getting things my way. This is a good experience, but it is not without difficulty and struggle. I chose this place because it was not like Westmont or Texas. I wanted something new. I still do.


But I think that sometimes even though we think we want diverse experiences or adventure or "something new", we still need some fabric of familiarity from which to grab. Amidst downtown parking meters, campus safety after my night class, disorganized academic institutions, classmates saturated in relativity and new-age thinking, and no familiar faces, I am thankful for the newness of it all. I'm thankful that it is not easy. Struggle is a catalyst for many good things.

And things in my home are ever evolving and challenging me. God knows exactly where we need to be stretched and exactly where we need support and encouragement. That's a comfort.

But back to the conversation about desiring "something new" . . . as I said in an earlier blog, there is a lot of idealism that commonly saturates starting over. It is not that we become someone new, more able to deal with life's challenges. Rather, we find ourselves in a new set of challenges. And it is this new set of challenges that requires a new approach to journeying through the struggles and challenges of that stage of life. And I think that there is something of freedom and control to have chosen to change the circumstance and then to have to adapt to a change that you made. It is much more difficult to adapt to the change when it is someone else's choice to change the situation. But that's another lesson...That one I am gradually learning about as well.

The moral of the story is ...well there is no real conclusion to this blog...I'm just rambling...

does anyone relate?

.

monkey

Brandi, my roomate, was in the middle of a story the other day when she started yelling "Oh my gosh!!! oh my gosh!!!" as she looked out our front windows.

"What!!!!?" I responded.

"A MONKEY! ON A BIKE!!! LOOK! GO OUT AND LOOK!"

Sure enough, I went outside and there was a man on a bicycle with a big fuzzy 6-foot stuffed monke! He was just cruisin'. No big deal. The monkey was bigger than the bicycle. Its tail was probably 4ft long. It was quite a sight.

I didn't get a photo. but it was incredible. trust me.

this photo I found on google images. The monkey was that scale in comparison with the bike, and it was a normal-sized bike!

urban joy

I had forgotten how much I love living in the city. I haven't really lived in a city in about 4 years, since I spent a semester in San Francisco. I had forgotten how different and wonderful it is. There is something about living iso close to everyone that energizes me with a childlike curiosity. I find myself pausing to enjoy watching or listening to a myriad of things that one only finds when one's neighbors are so close.

Things I love:
-the kids walking in front of our house each morning and afternoon on their way to school. I love how their backpacks look fluffy and too big for their bodies.
-the random conversations that I get to eavesdrop on in coffee shops...sometimes I don't like these though... ;)
-looking out my bedroom window to see my neighbor's puppies wrestle in the backyard
-driving over the Willamette R. at sunset and seeing the lights of the buildings and the clouds create a masterpiece
-walking everywhere
-city parks!!!
-getting to know my neighbors and developing friendships and community
-not being able to hide from homelessness and poverty around me
-quirky coffee shops everywhere
-The coffee shop I'm in right now andthe woman sitting at the table next to me who is balancing her checkbook while her baby sleeps in her arms, wrapped up in her red scarf, her hand gently holding his head.
-weird and interesting people all around
-randomness

I don't know, but I like living around all these people and witnessing all these little moments a lot more than I like the privacy of suburbia. All the unexpected beauty and interaction and difficulty is teaching me and drawing me out.

A beautiful new place. Here I am...here am I....

I moved to Portland ten days ago. It has been a wonderful ten days. I have had many "only in Portland" moments that have delighted me. A few to share would be:
-hiking with my roomate, Jenni, in Forest Park. (a wonderous forest wilderness in downtown Portland!)
-driving over the Willamette River at night with the city twinkling and reflecting off the water
-spending time at Powell's City of Books, losing track of time amidst new and used books and buying bi-lingual Dr. Seuss books
-Pinot Noirs, Tillamook cheese, and marionberries...enough said.

My roomates are amazing. My house is quickly beginning to feel welcoming. I am getting to know the city. I am beginning a few friendships. I am spending time with old family friends. I am listening and seeking carefully in this season. Life is good. Really good.

Amidst all the excitement of getting used to this new "home" I have come to a few sobering realizations. First, I have realized that just because I want to be a person of a certain integrity and character doesn't mean that I actually am or that I will suddenly wake up to be able to make the right choices or set the right boundaries. Just because I want to be on time doesn't mean that I am actually succeeding at doing it. Just because I want to be more guarded in some of my conversations doesn't mean that I know how to do that well. And just because I want to live missionally and love incarnationally doesn't mean that I know how to live that way yet. So I have been failing and rethinking things and forgiving myself a lot. I am realizing how unwise and immature I am. I am realizing that relocation does not mean renovation of the heart. And I am realizing that the only cure for loneliness and wrestlessness is quality time in prayer. and that sometimes the times when we most need to pray are the times that it is the most difficult. I suppose that is why it is called "spiritual DISCIPLINE." I am coming to terms with how undisciplined I am and how in need of some discipline I can be.

All in all, these realizations make me thankful for grace - from God and from others. I am thankful that I believe in redemption, healing, and the start of a new day.

A Miracle DAY

Today I witnessed a miraculous turn of events.

The moving company has been scheduled for weeks, and they told me that they would drop off the truck today in the afternoon and pick it up on wednesday morning. Great! So a few of my friends agreed to come over after work to help me move some of the heavy stuff into the van. Last night, I get a call around 6:30pm saying that they will have to come in the morning and pick thr truck up around 5pm - right when all my help is supposed to begin. I couldn't get ahold of them until this morning and found out that they couldn't supply me with any help for the labor, and that the truck company couldn't pick my stuff up from a residential address...

It seemed like a "Mr. Bean moment" where things just keep getting worse. I kept trying to remember that roomates, a house, and a graduate program have all been provided for me and that God is still in control and loving...but it was difficult to say the least. I had all my stuff ready, and the company seemed to be dropping me ON my moving day!

To make a long story short, after a bit if prayer and some phone calls, I not only had the truck within an hour, but I could keep it for a while and I had professional help in moving my stuff in - all for a really reasonable cost! And my stuff loaded in the truck in only 2 hours! It was incredible!

At 8am, I was sitting in confusiona and disappointment, and by 4pm all my stuff was loaded in the van securely and on its way to Oregon!

I give thanks to the One who controls it all and took such good care of me today - in freaking me out a bit and in taking the burden.

I'm on my way to Portland!

portland, here I come!

September 4th is rapidly approaching. That day will mark the beginning of the Portland chapter of my life. I've changed my "location" online to Portland (I suppose I have "moved" in virtual space) but I have not yet physically relocated to Portland! Tuesday September 4th.

I've been packing a lot of boxes as of late. Packing boxes and choosing which furniture to take have been my daily acticities. My mom has given me a ton of furniture and miscellaneous items for the move. I cannot believe how much God has been providing for me in this move through my family's generosity. I had been pretty much taking everything she was passing my way, until I realized just how much stuff I had agreed to take. It occurred to me yesterday that I really don't want to clutter my future life with a ton of things that I don't need. My room in my mom's house is full of things that have memories, but I don't know what exactly I need them for...

I really want to have a lot less clutter in my future life. Less things mean less maintenance! It is just so easy to cling on to all the little things. Interestingly enough, a lot of what I've been studying as I've read the Bible this week has been specifically on eternity and perspective.

"What does it profit a woman to gain the whole world and forfeit her soul?" (Mark 8:36, paraphrase)

Thomas a'Kempis said "Use temporal things for their proper uses, but make things of eternity the object of your deisre."

As lovely as the stuff I'm getting is, and as grateful as I am to receive it, I feel a definite weariness in accumulating tons of things...especially if I am feeling a desperate need to simplify and de-clutter my life. The thought of moving into my house in Portland with tons of clutter and never having a place for things and just having junk explode out of drawers and from under the bed - what a night mare! I get a bit queesy just thinking about it.

And besides that, the really interesting thing is that as much as I like the "pretty things," the more I get to know this incredible and loving Jesus, the more I have a slight sense of the insignificance of all these beautiful things around me. They are incredible, and I am humbled by the generosity of my family...and yet I keep my distance.

It is easy for me to acquire things without really taking an inventory of whether or not they would truly be useful and beneficial to me. Isn't this age and culture I live in just so crazy and swimming in riches that I'm spending my time thinking about these things? My head is spinning with the realization that I even have these choices. What a small, wealthy corner of this HUGE world I live in that my life consists of these kinds of choices.

And yet...these little choices are intricately connected to having an eternal perspective and to worship. They are both significant and insignificant at the same time. For me, however, it can be difficult to hold the two realities together. But I guess that's why He's God and I am not. I guess that's why He still has me here, plodding along toward heaven.


Anyway, those are the musings of a girl steeped in packing...

Birthdays, church, and the cutest baby ever...OR the little big decisions

Yesterday we celebrated Claire's 8th birthday. Claire is my 7year-old - wait! I mean eight year-old - step sister. My mother married her dad last summer. Its kind of like the Brady Bunch, but without all the bell-bottoms and we don't have any brothers. Just 4 sisters: Dominique(23) and Daniella(21), and Sarah(17) and Claire(8). We had the family over for a celebration. It was a small gathering, but it was a big deal. Daniella was "Duchess of Decorations" and she spent upwards of 3 hours turning our house into a birthday extravaganza! Did I mention that there was a 6FT TALL INFLATABLE BIRTHDAY CAKE? yeah. it was sweet.


The scheduling of the party worked out just "perfectly" to where everyone was coming over right as I would normally be heading to the Den (my worship community, call it church if you prefer). A bunch of people were going to be out of town, and a bunch of people were just getting in town and would be there. I look forward to the Den every weekend and felt really torn about leaving the party early or missing the Den. The thought of not helping the Den team when a lot of people wouldn't be there to help wasn't very pleasant. And the thought of not seeing Claire blow out the candles broke my heart.

As you can see from these delightful photographs, I stayed for the party. Honestly, I kind of got seduced by my cousin, Will. He's irresistible. Especially to a photographer. :)


But more than that, I just couldn't reconcile not being around for Claire. She probably wouldn't have really cared or noticed if I had slipped out, but I would have known. Sometimes its those little big things that are hard in life. The little big decisions are the toughest thing for me these days because they have to do with priorities, time, and boundaries. Does it ever get easier to decide how to prioritize and spend one's time? Older people tell me that it only gets harder. That's encouraging! :) But, at least I have these awesome photos of Will to distract me from that prediction...

sleepiness

I really want to update my blog right now, but I'm too sleepy to write anything cohesive.
One exciting thing though: I had the most bizarre experience walking in my sleep last night! I don't think that I have ever sleepwalked before, so it really took me off guard! My sister is home and we are sharing a room and I gave her quite a scare when I jerked open the curtains in the middle of the night and couldn't answer her when she asked me what I was doing. I groggily decided to go the other direction to the bathroom, but it took me a while. I had some wild and bizarre dreams last night.

Off I go to bed...for another adventure.

the image and the visionary

Yesterday I had one of the most intellectually stimulating days I have had in a long time. It was a rich blessing!

I spent the afternoon with my friend, Alina, visiting the Trammell & Margaret Crow Asian Art Collection. To my delight, admission was free and the collection was beautiful. The true reason for our visit, however, was to see their current exhibit. A friend of mine who is a "starving artist" here in Dallas told me that it was "mind blowing!" and that I should make a point to view the exhibit.

He was right. It was unlike anything I had ever seen. The exhibit was by a Korean artist, U-Ram Choe, and it was called "New Media from Seoul." The exhibit was a robotic sculpture collection that depicted fictional creatures that the artist claimed dwell in today's urban cities. His vision was very unique and I found it a little futuristic for my taste, but I really admired his originality and the incredible expertise with which he utilized art, engineering, anthropology, biology, philosophy, and communication. The creatures had a curious and serene nature to them and it was soothing to be in their presence.

We happened upon a lecture led by the museum's director and I was given a quote to think about in the context of the exhibit:
"Art is a technique of communication. The image is the most complete technique of all communication." - Claes Oldenburg

Being in the midst of this artistic fantasy, I began to chew on the role the image plays in communication, especially in art. A lot of art is non-verbal (sculpture, painting...) and a lot of art is strictly verbal (poetry, prose...). Oftentimes I have a vision of something I want to communicate to someone else. I will need them to "get on board" with what I'm invisioning. It usually happens that my wordy explanations of my vision only get us so far. It is when they see it with their own eyes, when they can see, touch, taste, smell, and hear the sounds of the vision that they truly have that "aha!" moment and can say "This is great. Now I know what you were trying to show me!" The director explained that U-Ram Choe's exhibit would have been confusing were the verbal explanations not there. I was thinking of the artist, having a vision, writing about these creatures, and feeling alone in his vision until the image was materially created. Then, once others had the image with its movement and harmony, they would then begin to dip their toe into the pond of his fantasy. The image is the completion of the communication. On its own, it may be lacking. But I have realized lately that a communicator without an image to help the audience can be a lonely visionary.

St. Augustine said, "I can point the finger, but I cannot supply the vision." I often feel like I am pointing my finger for an audience, but I am unable to supply the vision. The audience must catch the vision on their own. And often the person pointing the finger can feel very estranged from the audience because she cannot supply the vision. She can only do so much.

Can you believe the Bible?

How incredible is Jesus!? I have nothing to add to this passage but to share it with you and let God blow you away. This is from the Living Bible. Before you read this, pray that God would let you hear it anew.


"In the beginning the Word already existed. He was with God, and he was God. He was in the beginning with God. He created everything there is. Nothing exists that he didn't make. Life itself was in him and this life gives light to everyone.

The light shines through the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.

God sent John the Baptist to tell everyone about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. John himself was not the light; he was only a witness to the light. The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was going to come into the world. But although the world was made through him, the world didn't recognize him when he came. Even in his own land and among his own people, he was not accepted.

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. They are reborn!

This is not a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan - this rebirth comes from God.

So the Word became human and lived here on earth among us.

He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness.

And we have seen his glory, the glory of the only Son of the Father.

John pointed him out to the people. He shouted to the crowds, "This is the one I was talking about when I said, 'Someone is coming who is far greater than I am, for he existed long before I did.'" We have benefited from the rich blessings he brought to us - one gracious blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; God's unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. But his only Son who is himself God, is near to the Father's heart; he has told us about him.

This was the testimony of John when the Jewish leaders sent priests and Temple assistants from Jerusalem to ask John whether he claimed to be the Messiah. He flatly denied it. "I am not the Messiah," he said.
"Well, then, who are you?" they asked. "Are you Elijah?"
"No," he replied.
"Are you the Prophet?"
"No."
"Then who are you? Tell us, so we can give an answer to those who sent us. What do you have to say about yourself?"

John replied in the words of Isaiah: "I am a voice shouting in the wilderness, 'Prepare a straight pathway for the Lord's coming!'"

Then those who were sent by the Pharisees asked him, "If you aren't the Messiah or Elijah or the Prophet, what right do you have to baptize?"

John told them, "I baptize with water, but right here in the crowd is someone you do not know, who will soon begin his ministry. I am not even worthy to be his slave." This incident took place at Bethany, a village east of the Jordan River, where John was baptizing."

(John 1:1-28)

Europe was.

A link to a short and amazing video:
http://www.dom268.com/movies/cai.mov