BEACHES!!! ....I'm dreaming of beaches...

I'm in finals week right now. I have a lot of work to do for my European Union class. One problem: I repeatedly find myself losing focus on the European Union and how it is contributing to world peace. Where is my focus going? I'll tell you. BEACHES.

I want to go to the beach.


A WARM BEACH.



I miss palm trees.

And warm sand. There's a enormous difference between cold sand and warm sand. I miss the warm, dry sand and how it feels under my feet.

...Well, now that I'm thinking about it I kind of miss the wet, muddy sand too. You know, the kind that gets in between your toes. . . It can be found right at the edge of where the tide comes up. You stand at the tide's edge, just close enough to where the ocean comes up over the top of your feet, maybe it gets your ankles too, and when the water receeds, you can feel the gooey sand under your feet rushing back out to the ocean with the fast-moving water. I adore that feeling.


This morning I even put on my swimsuits before got dressed to go to our Evergreen gathering! I think I was conviced that it would make me feel a little more connected to the beach. It just made me realize how much I look like a Pacific Northwesterner - I'm so pale!!! :) I don't think that we Italians were meant to have this little exposure to the sun. It doesn't look good on us. The Mediterranean people - Greeks, Italians, Portuguese, etc. - we just look better when we have gotten a little bit of sun. All of my friends of Northern European descent look great pale. Not me. And my dark-skinned friends, well they just look great all year long!

Ok, enough dreaming about soaking up sunshine...now back to the European Union...

Remedies for S.A.D. days

Part of life here in the lovely Pacific Northwest, especially here in the valley, is the soggy, gray days. The climate is such that on days when it is sunny, Oregon is gloriously beautiful. However, when the soggy days go on, one after another, one begins to forget how beautiful Portland is and how it looked when the sun was out. After a beautiful sunny day, a couple of gray and wet days are not too hard to bear. When three or four - or even ten - soggy days happen in a row, one's temperament tends to be affected. Some people even develop Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.). It is a real fact of life here. My dad seemed to be concerned about it when I visited Texas in December.

January has turned out to be a bit more soggy than my previous months in Portland. So, I've decided to take on preventative measures. There will be no S.A.D. days for me, if I can help it. In order to prevent the onset of S.A.D. I have developed a few of my own remedies to ensure that I'm getting my quota of S.A.D.-defeating joyfulness each day. Here they are:

1. Eating lots of hot soup. I have been collecting soup recipes and making lots of new soups. Maybe it is true what they say about chicken soup.
2. Cooking great meals. Delicious food adds greatly to contentedness.
3. Spending quality time with friends.
4. Meeting new friends. There is something about meeting new people that adds a nice amount of unpredictability to my day, and I just get a kick out of some of the really quirky people I meet.
5. Prayer and quiet time to consider the important things and people.
7. Working out! My body's circulation is stimulated and my heart rate goes up and it feels great!
8. Eating oranges in the shower.
9. Looking for ways to bless and serve others. This does much to add joy to each day!
10. Laughing.
11. Taking advantage of every opportunity to enjoy the days when the sun does come out. Go for a walk, or, if it is too cold, sit by the window. Take a mental note of how beautiful everything looks in the sunshine.

So, I spend my January (and now February) days eating tasty soups, laughing with my new acquaintances, and eating oranges in the shower. Oh, and I think that my new galloshes (or "rain boots" as they call them here) help counter the S.A.D. as well. Aren't they incredible? For now, I think I have this S.A.D. thing beat. I am sure with the coming seasons that I might discover some other great secrets to Northwest winters - something else I am looking forward to.

writing and meeting

I went to a party last night at the home of a very talented writer. I was a little hesitant o go to the party, worrying that I would not know very many people. Yesterday morning, I got a call from one of my friends who was throwing the party. He called just to make sure that I'd be there. His kind phone call reined me into their plans.

So I went. The writer was a very pleasant host with a beautifully decorated and inviting home. I was hesitant to talk to him. I think I was a wee bit intimidated by being new to the group and not knowing him well. Also, I was a bit overwhelmed, wanting to get to know him as the person that he is, aside from the writer that many know him to be. He has an unassuming but attractive air about him, and I did not find him intimidating at all once he began to talk to me. In fact, I found it very easy to be myself around him.

When he found me searching for something in his apartment, he quickly came to my assistance and showed me where I could leave my coat and scarf for the evening. Leading me into his bedroom, he pushed a wrinkly pile of clean laundry to one side of his bed and, taking my coat, laid it down on the other side. I liked him more for having a dishevled pile of unfolded laundry in full view. He was in the middle of opening a bottle of wine, but as we walked back to the kitchen, he seemed uninterested in continuing to open it. We walked into the living room and then he began asking me a few questions about myself. Before I knew it, we had entered into a very enjoyable conversation about our Texan backgrounds, our appreciation for the neighborhood he lives in (my favorite one in Portland!), and assorted topics related to church and women and culture and personal vocation.

It wasn't an intense conversation, but the topics weren't light. Admittedly, I was quite taken aback with how easily we conversed and ten minutes must have passed before I became aware that it was the writer I admire that I was conversing with. I found myself really appreciating the man I was getting to know, coincidently also the man behind the artfully juxtaposed words. In a way, I wished that he were two men and that I could befriend only the man I was conversing with, ignoring the well-known writer. I wondered if he sometimes desires this as well. If I were him, I might tire easily of being known as the talented writer and miss being known apart from that part of my life. While we were talking, however, it occurred to me that one of the reasons why the man in front of me was so pleasant in conversation was his proficiency as a writer.

I left the house last night marinating on questions he asked me in our little ten minute aside. They were great questions. It is a fantastic thing to talk about something which you are tired of talking about and because the person with whom you are talking thinks uniquely about things, the tiresome subject now somehow seems intriguing and perplexing and has a new depth to it. Great writers ask great questions. Great question askers are great conversationalists.

And so, I have renewed vigor as a life-long student of writing. I see anew the value in asking unique and daring questions. Why not?

And I have a new friend in my favorite Portland neighborhood. I'm thrilled! Perhaps his skill in asking great questions and telling artfully constructed stories will wear off on me.

some thoughts I've been having

I haven't been blogging as much lately for a few reasons. One reason is that my thoughts are in so many different places, it would be difficult to write a cohesive blog. Another reason is that I have been incredibly busy and blogging has not been much of a priority. However, who is to say that I have to write a cohesive blog?

Some thoughts I have been having:

---I need to make an effort to slow down. How did I allow myself to get so busy? I am realizing that I am a bit too optimistic about how much I can handle. I have a great deal of faith in my ability to do a thousand things at once. To be sure, I'm good at it...BUT I'm not sure that it is good for me. There's the catch. I'm great at multi-taskin. However, I think that often my multitasking skills are keeping me from the important parts of this journey with Jesus, namely meditation, silence, prayer, rest, and the ability to be available to bless others spontaneously. I think that multi-tasking is a great skill, but I have allowed it to be so much a part of how I function that I forget the importance of rest, silence, and stillness. I have a hunch that I'm not the only one who lives like this...

---I'm so blessed and so priveleged. I have choices. Choices are a result of privilege. I have decided to move out of my house and to relocate across town. Moving to Portland has been a great experience overall. However, living 30 min from school, 45 min from family, and 35 min from good friends, and 35 min from church has been taxing. I don't have enough good music in my car to make the distance worthwhile. (I'm kidding)...But really, I'm thankful that I have the ability to choose to change my situation. I'm thankful that I have the option of moving closer to school, friend, family, and church (essentially my community). I'm also incredibly blessed in that I have good friends and I have only been living in Portland for a few months. My honorary family, as well, lives here in Portland and has taken me in for the holidays (and cooked an INCREDIBLE meal!) and that feels great. Yesterday, on Thanksgiving morning, we started the day with a game of football, played Rummikub as a family, watched Miracle on 34th street (the old black and white version, which makes me feel all cozy), and ate a delicious meal! Football, games, old movies, great food and great people - it was my kind of holiday! :)

---Sometimes I take myself a bit too seriously. I have been trying to loosen up a bit and enjoy myself a little more, instead of worrying or being so caught up in "shoulds" and "coulds"....I'm trying to enjoy a bit more spontanaeity, adventure, rest, and craziness! It has been fun. I'm also playing a lot more. I played Wii for the first time the other day. I lost (barely) at boxing and tennis, but I came back and trampled my buddy in bowlng. I think that I'm a better virtual bowler than I am in reality. Now I just need to go bowling a bit more and remember all the skills that I'm learning on Wii.... haha.


Other thoughts...
-Its not as much fun to be a Mavericks fan when I don't live in Dallas. I miss watching the games with the fam...
-The weather really does affect my mood. I'm especially thankful for sunshine these days. I got pretty spoiled in Santa Barbara and even in Dallas since the sun shines so much there.
-Regularly traveling is a healthy thing for me. It helps me to appreciate where I live and engages a part of my soul that I really enjoy. I went to Seattle last weekend. I had a fabulous time with my friend, BrennA (http://brealrosey.blogspot.com/). We ate some incredible food, walked all over downtown and along the waterfront, explored the market, and went to see Ben Harper in concert. It was a delightful way to spend two days, and when I came home I appreciated Portland even more. It made me extra thankful for Portland and I was able to retrieve a freshness in the way that I see my life here.
-I have been thiking about this funny thing we call "dating." I am realizing that I compartmentalize this part of my life. I'm either totally unaware that I'm a 23 year-old single female, or I'm very aware of it. It is like a switch or a dual personality. I don't just let things be what they are. I compartmentalize everything. Perhaps it is a professional thing or a control thing, but I just have no fluidity with this area of my life. Here I am calling it an "area of my life"...do you see what I mean? It may not always be helpful to corner off my romantic life and keep it contained from the rest of my life until I'm ready to engage it. Life is life. Sometimes it involves romance and dating and sometimes it doesn't....but we can't completely control that and that's alright. Sometimes things just are.
-I also think that because I just wrote the above that some of my friends are now tempted to call me and ask if there is anyone new in my life. That makes me smile and chuckle.
-I have been much more open lately to not knowing what lies ahead for me in the future. I'm a lot more contented to enjoy the present and see what happens. I don't need to figure out what exactly I want to do with my Masters degree right now...I've only been in grad school for a couple of months...there is still time and I am interested and capable of a lot of things. No need to worry or stress. Just enjoy the education. :)


Those were a lot of thoughts. What are your thoughts as you read this?

these are a few of my favorite things

A quick list of some of my favorite experiences over the last couple of weeks:

1. Watching the world series with Christine and Gregory, while drinking a "Hot Tamale" (Beer with REAL chili peppers in it! Sssss!!!!)

2. Planning an imaginary world-traveling caravan of CR Master's Students with my new PSU friends, Dimitri and Mindy. Dimitri believes that it will actually happen. Mindy and I contend that we will only go on this caravan if in fact it travels on camelback through North Africa... In all seriousness, thinking about returning to "far away" and seeing new sights in exotic places is bewitching. Sometimes I refuse to let my thoughts go there.

3. Playing in the autumn leaves with Christine! Autumn is the season of the year I cherish most.

4. Celebrating Brandi's birthday with crepes and a movie. I had a crepe with feta, field greens, basil pesto, tomato, and mozzarella! Yummmm.... If I can't be in France, it's the best way to go! We saw 'Dan in Real Life' and I think I laughed from the first line to the last. The characters were hilarious.

5. David Crowder/Phil wickham concert! The Crystal Ballroom is the kind of venue that I appreciate most. It has an antique feel from the bubble-shaped lights around the windows. Plus, the ballroom floor, which is on the second story, bounces up and down!

6. Visiting the Evergreen community last weekend. It felt like home in a refreshing way, and yet was very particularly Portland. I want to get to know them better. I think they are the group of people I've been looking for.

7. Learning to appreciate both the soggy days and the sunny days. Seeing sunsets for a few days has been invigorating. I have had a difficult time not seeing the sun or the moon for a couple of weeks. I rather enjoy the rain...just not every day. I suppose I'm not an Oregonian yet. Perhaps someday I will feel differently.

Jesus, meet PSU! . . . PSU, meet Jesus?

I have had two weeks of class so far, and I am getting acquainted with Portland State University and the culture of Portland more and more.

In my classes I hear all sorts of interpretations of what "love" and "peace" and "mercy" are from my classmates and professors. Everything seems so relative and aimless and empty without its grounding in Jesus. He is so beautiful and lovely. In the midst of studying peace and reconciliation I am constantly reminded that it is he who provides the ability for love, peace, forgiveness, and mercy. How do we forgive others? How? The act of forgiveness is often painfully difficult. I suppose I am at PSU to hear how people forgive when the do not know Jesus. I don't think that I would forgive anyone if I didn't have a profound example of forgiveness in my life, and even then, I would need th capacity. Jesus provides both for me. The way and the light.

My professor was grasping in the air trying to explain what "mercy" was by definition, and I wanted to whisper "jesus." And my classmates were trying to discuss the meaning of justice, and I so desperetely wanted to say "God!" He is wonderfully just.

I am in a whole new context and culture here in Portland and in my university. It is like nothing I have ever experienced. It is wonderous. It keeps me ever fascinated and contemplating.

It is a culture that finds Christianity abrasive. In many ways, I don't blame them. Some of the people who call themselves Christians seem abrasive to me. Amidst this culture that is a melting pot for spirituality, I am finding ways of being invitational and helpful at helping people to get past their stereotypes, but it is a whole new world here, and I'm taking my time learning what is and is not helpful to say and do right away. The things they want and desire are actually what Jesus offers them, but they do not know that it is offered. And I sit beside them, and pray and talk to Jesus and ask Him to introduce Himself to them.

There is a real hostility toward Christianity here, but people generally appreciate Jesus. They are curious about Him. They want to use His example. I am not spending nearly enough time with Him that I might look like him. Here's a strange thought I have been having: I'm realizing that I perhaps need to spend more time with Jesus than I do with the Church, that I might look more like Him. I need the Church. The Church is my family. However, I have realized that it's fairly easy for me to look like the Church, but not as natural or easy to look like Jesus. I'm a follower or Jesus. I need the Church, but sometimes I get confused about what it means to follow Jesus as I am immersed in it. does that make sense?

...just some thoughts I've been having...

.

What did I do?

I've been having one of those "WHAT THE HECK DID I DO?!!!" sort of weeks in regards to moving to Portland and choosing to go to PSU (Portland State University). It seems that in every way possible I am not in Texas, at Westmont, or (this may be a bit too honest or raw for some people ) getting things my way. This is a good experience, but it is not without difficulty and struggle. I chose this place because it was not like Westmont or Texas. I wanted something new. I still do.


But I think that sometimes even though we think we want diverse experiences or adventure or "something new", we still need some fabric of familiarity from which to grab. Amidst downtown parking meters, campus safety after my night class, disorganized academic institutions, classmates saturated in relativity and new-age thinking, and no familiar faces, I am thankful for the newness of it all. I'm thankful that it is not easy. Struggle is a catalyst for many good things.

And things in my home are ever evolving and challenging me. God knows exactly where we need to be stretched and exactly where we need support and encouragement. That's a comfort.

But back to the conversation about desiring "something new" . . . as I said in an earlier blog, there is a lot of idealism that commonly saturates starting over. It is not that we become someone new, more able to deal with life's challenges. Rather, we find ourselves in a new set of challenges. And it is this new set of challenges that requires a new approach to journeying through the struggles and challenges of that stage of life. And I think that there is something of freedom and control to have chosen to change the circumstance and then to have to adapt to a change that you made. It is much more difficult to adapt to the change when it is someone else's choice to change the situation. But that's another lesson...That one I am gradually learning about as well.

The moral of the story is ...well there is no real conclusion to this blog...I'm just rambling...

does anyone relate?

.

urban joy

I had forgotten how much I love living in the city. I haven't really lived in a city in about 4 years, since I spent a semester in San Francisco. I had forgotten how different and wonderful it is. There is something about living iso close to everyone that energizes me with a childlike curiosity. I find myself pausing to enjoy watching or listening to a myriad of things that one only finds when one's neighbors are so close.

Things I love:
-the kids walking in front of our house each morning and afternoon on their way to school. I love how their backpacks look fluffy and too big for their bodies.
-the random conversations that I get to eavesdrop on in coffee shops...sometimes I don't like these though... ;)
-looking out my bedroom window to see my neighbor's puppies wrestle in the backyard
-driving over the Willamette R. at sunset and seeing the lights of the buildings and the clouds create a masterpiece
-walking everywhere
-city parks!!!
-getting to know my neighbors and developing friendships and community
-not being able to hide from homelessness and poverty around me
-quirky coffee shops everywhere
-The coffee shop I'm in right now andthe woman sitting at the table next to me who is balancing her checkbook while her baby sleeps in her arms, wrapped up in her red scarf, her hand gently holding his head.
-weird and interesting people all around
-randomness

I don't know, but I like living around all these people and witnessing all these little moments a lot more than I like the privacy of suburbia. All the unexpected beauty and interaction and difficulty is teaching me and drawing me out.

A beautiful new place. Here I am...here am I....

I moved to Portland ten days ago. It has been a wonderful ten days. I have had many "only in Portland" moments that have delighted me. A few to share would be:
-hiking with my roomate, Jenni, in Forest Park. (a wonderous forest wilderness in downtown Portland!)
-driving over the Willamette River at night with the city twinkling and reflecting off the water
-spending time at Powell's City of Books, losing track of time amidst new and used books and buying bi-lingual Dr. Seuss books
-Pinot Noirs, Tillamook cheese, and marionberries...enough said.

My roomates are amazing. My house is quickly beginning to feel welcoming. I am getting to know the city. I am beginning a few friendships. I am spending time with old family friends. I am listening and seeking carefully in this season. Life is good. Really good.

Amidst all the excitement of getting used to this new "home" I have come to a few sobering realizations. First, I have realized that just because I want to be a person of a certain integrity and character doesn't mean that I actually am or that I will suddenly wake up to be able to make the right choices or set the right boundaries. Just because I want to be on time doesn't mean that I am actually succeeding at doing it. Just because I want to be more guarded in some of my conversations doesn't mean that I know how to do that well. And just because I want to live missionally and love incarnationally doesn't mean that I know how to live that way yet. So I have been failing and rethinking things and forgiving myself a lot. I am realizing how unwise and immature I am. I am realizing that relocation does not mean renovation of the heart. And I am realizing that the only cure for loneliness and wrestlessness is quality time in prayer. and that sometimes the times when we most need to pray are the times that it is the most difficult. I suppose that is why it is called "spiritual DISCIPLINE." I am coming to terms with how undisciplined I am and how in need of some discipline I can be.

All in all, these realizations make me thankful for grace - from God and from others. I am thankful that I believe in redemption, healing, and the start of a new day.

portland, here I come!

September 4th is rapidly approaching. That day will mark the beginning of the Portland chapter of my life. I've changed my "location" online to Portland (I suppose I have "moved" in virtual space) but I have not yet physically relocated to Portland! Tuesday September 4th.

I've been packing a lot of boxes as of late. Packing boxes and choosing which furniture to take have been my daily acticities. My mom has given me a ton of furniture and miscellaneous items for the move. I cannot believe how much God has been providing for me in this move through my family's generosity. I had been pretty much taking everything she was passing my way, until I realized just how much stuff I had agreed to take. It occurred to me yesterday that I really don't want to clutter my future life with a ton of things that I don't need. My room in my mom's house is full of things that have memories, but I don't know what exactly I need them for...

I really want to have a lot less clutter in my future life. Less things mean less maintenance! It is just so easy to cling on to all the little things. Interestingly enough, a lot of what I've been studying as I've read the Bible this week has been specifically on eternity and perspective.

"What does it profit a woman to gain the whole world and forfeit her soul?" (Mark 8:36, paraphrase)

Thomas a'Kempis said "Use temporal things for their proper uses, but make things of eternity the object of your deisre."

As lovely as the stuff I'm getting is, and as grateful as I am to receive it, I feel a definite weariness in accumulating tons of things...especially if I am feeling a desperate need to simplify and de-clutter my life. The thought of moving into my house in Portland with tons of clutter and never having a place for things and just having junk explode out of drawers and from under the bed - what a night mare! I get a bit queesy just thinking about it.

And besides that, the really interesting thing is that as much as I like the "pretty things," the more I get to know this incredible and loving Jesus, the more I have a slight sense of the insignificance of all these beautiful things around me. They are incredible, and I am humbled by the generosity of my family...and yet I keep my distance.

It is easy for me to acquire things without really taking an inventory of whether or not they would truly be useful and beneficial to me. Isn't this age and culture I live in just so crazy and swimming in riches that I'm spending my time thinking about these things? My head is spinning with the realization that I even have these choices. What a small, wealthy corner of this HUGE world I live in that my life consists of these kinds of choices.

And yet...these little choices are intricately connected to having an eternal perspective and to worship. They are both significant and insignificant at the same time. For me, however, it can be difficult to hold the two realities together. But I guess that's why He's God and I am not. I guess that's why He still has me here, plodding along toward heaven.


Anyway, those are the musings of a girl steeped in packing...