What did I do?

I've been having one of those "WHAT THE HECK DID I DO?!!!" sort of weeks in regards to moving to Portland and choosing to go to PSU (Portland State University). It seems that in every way possible I am not in Texas, at Westmont, or (this may be a bit too honest or raw for some people ) getting things my way. This is a good experience, but it is not without difficulty and struggle. I chose this place because it was not like Westmont or Texas. I wanted something new. I still do.


But I think that sometimes even though we think we want diverse experiences or adventure or "something new", we still need some fabric of familiarity from which to grab. Amidst downtown parking meters, campus safety after my night class, disorganized academic institutions, classmates saturated in relativity and new-age thinking, and no familiar faces, I am thankful for the newness of it all. I'm thankful that it is not easy. Struggle is a catalyst for many good things.

And things in my home are ever evolving and challenging me. God knows exactly where we need to be stretched and exactly where we need support and encouragement. That's a comfort.

But back to the conversation about desiring "something new" . . . as I said in an earlier blog, there is a lot of idealism that commonly saturates starting over. It is not that we become someone new, more able to deal with life's challenges. Rather, we find ourselves in a new set of challenges. And it is this new set of challenges that requires a new approach to journeying through the struggles and challenges of that stage of life. And I think that there is something of freedom and control to have chosen to change the circumstance and then to have to adapt to a change that you made. It is much more difficult to adapt to the change when it is someone else's choice to change the situation. But that's another lesson...That one I am gradually learning about as well.

The moral of the story is ...well there is no real conclusion to this blog...I'm just rambling...

does anyone relate?

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monkey

Brandi, my roomate, was in the middle of a story the other day when she started yelling "Oh my gosh!!! oh my gosh!!!" as she looked out our front windows.

"What!!!!?" I responded.

"A MONKEY! ON A BIKE!!! LOOK! GO OUT AND LOOK!"

Sure enough, I went outside and there was a man on a bicycle with a big fuzzy 6-foot stuffed monke! He was just cruisin'. No big deal. The monkey was bigger than the bicycle. Its tail was probably 4ft long. It was quite a sight.

I didn't get a photo. but it was incredible. trust me.

this photo I found on google images. The monkey was that scale in comparison with the bike, and it was a normal-sized bike!

urban joy

I had forgotten how much I love living in the city. I haven't really lived in a city in about 4 years, since I spent a semester in San Francisco. I had forgotten how different and wonderful it is. There is something about living iso close to everyone that energizes me with a childlike curiosity. I find myself pausing to enjoy watching or listening to a myriad of things that one only finds when one's neighbors are so close.

Things I love:
-the kids walking in front of our house each morning and afternoon on their way to school. I love how their backpacks look fluffy and too big for their bodies.
-the random conversations that I get to eavesdrop on in coffee shops...sometimes I don't like these though... ;)
-looking out my bedroom window to see my neighbor's puppies wrestle in the backyard
-driving over the Willamette R. at sunset and seeing the lights of the buildings and the clouds create a masterpiece
-walking everywhere
-city parks!!!
-getting to know my neighbors and developing friendships and community
-not being able to hide from homelessness and poverty around me
-quirky coffee shops everywhere
-The coffee shop I'm in right now andthe woman sitting at the table next to me who is balancing her checkbook while her baby sleeps in her arms, wrapped up in her red scarf, her hand gently holding his head.
-weird and interesting people all around
-randomness

I don't know, but I like living around all these people and witnessing all these little moments a lot more than I like the privacy of suburbia. All the unexpected beauty and interaction and difficulty is teaching me and drawing me out.

A beautiful new place. Here I am...here am I....

I moved to Portland ten days ago. It has been a wonderful ten days. I have had many "only in Portland" moments that have delighted me. A few to share would be:
-hiking with my roomate, Jenni, in Forest Park. (a wonderous forest wilderness in downtown Portland!)
-driving over the Willamette River at night with the city twinkling and reflecting off the water
-spending time at Powell's City of Books, losing track of time amidst new and used books and buying bi-lingual Dr. Seuss books
-Pinot Noirs, Tillamook cheese, and marionberries...enough said.

My roomates are amazing. My house is quickly beginning to feel welcoming. I am getting to know the city. I am beginning a few friendships. I am spending time with old family friends. I am listening and seeking carefully in this season. Life is good. Really good.

Amidst all the excitement of getting used to this new "home" I have come to a few sobering realizations. First, I have realized that just because I want to be a person of a certain integrity and character doesn't mean that I actually am or that I will suddenly wake up to be able to make the right choices or set the right boundaries. Just because I want to be on time doesn't mean that I am actually succeeding at doing it. Just because I want to be more guarded in some of my conversations doesn't mean that I know how to do that well. And just because I want to live missionally and love incarnationally doesn't mean that I know how to live that way yet. So I have been failing and rethinking things and forgiving myself a lot. I am realizing how unwise and immature I am. I am realizing that relocation does not mean renovation of the heart. And I am realizing that the only cure for loneliness and wrestlessness is quality time in prayer. and that sometimes the times when we most need to pray are the times that it is the most difficult. I suppose that is why it is called "spiritual DISCIPLINE." I am coming to terms with how undisciplined I am and how in need of some discipline I can be.

All in all, these realizations make me thankful for grace - from God and from others. I am thankful that I believe in redemption, healing, and the start of a new day.

A Miracle DAY

Today I witnessed a miraculous turn of events.

The moving company has been scheduled for weeks, and they told me that they would drop off the truck today in the afternoon and pick it up on wednesday morning. Great! So a few of my friends agreed to come over after work to help me move some of the heavy stuff into the van. Last night, I get a call around 6:30pm saying that they will have to come in the morning and pick thr truck up around 5pm - right when all my help is supposed to begin. I couldn't get ahold of them until this morning and found out that they couldn't supply me with any help for the labor, and that the truck company couldn't pick my stuff up from a residential address...

It seemed like a "Mr. Bean moment" where things just keep getting worse. I kept trying to remember that roomates, a house, and a graduate program have all been provided for me and that God is still in control and loving...but it was difficult to say the least. I had all my stuff ready, and the company seemed to be dropping me ON my moving day!

To make a long story short, after a bit if prayer and some phone calls, I not only had the truck within an hour, but I could keep it for a while and I had professional help in moving my stuff in - all for a really reasonable cost! And my stuff loaded in the truck in only 2 hours! It was incredible!

At 8am, I was sitting in confusiona and disappointment, and by 4pm all my stuff was loaded in the van securely and on its way to Oregon!

I give thanks to the One who controls it all and took such good care of me today - in freaking me out a bit and in taking the burden.

I'm on my way to Portland!

portland, here I come!

September 4th is rapidly approaching. That day will mark the beginning of the Portland chapter of my life. I've changed my "location" online to Portland (I suppose I have "moved" in virtual space) but I have not yet physically relocated to Portland! Tuesday September 4th.

I've been packing a lot of boxes as of late. Packing boxes and choosing which furniture to take have been my daily acticities. My mom has given me a ton of furniture and miscellaneous items for the move. I cannot believe how much God has been providing for me in this move through my family's generosity. I had been pretty much taking everything she was passing my way, until I realized just how much stuff I had agreed to take. It occurred to me yesterday that I really don't want to clutter my future life with a ton of things that I don't need. My room in my mom's house is full of things that have memories, but I don't know what exactly I need them for...

I really want to have a lot less clutter in my future life. Less things mean less maintenance! It is just so easy to cling on to all the little things. Interestingly enough, a lot of what I've been studying as I've read the Bible this week has been specifically on eternity and perspective.

"What does it profit a woman to gain the whole world and forfeit her soul?" (Mark 8:36, paraphrase)

Thomas a'Kempis said "Use temporal things for their proper uses, but make things of eternity the object of your deisre."

As lovely as the stuff I'm getting is, and as grateful as I am to receive it, I feel a definite weariness in accumulating tons of things...especially if I am feeling a desperate need to simplify and de-clutter my life. The thought of moving into my house in Portland with tons of clutter and never having a place for things and just having junk explode out of drawers and from under the bed - what a night mare! I get a bit queesy just thinking about it.

And besides that, the really interesting thing is that as much as I like the "pretty things," the more I get to know this incredible and loving Jesus, the more I have a slight sense of the insignificance of all these beautiful things around me. They are incredible, and I am humbled by the generosity of my family...and yet I keep my distance.

It is easy for me to acquire things without really taking an inventory of whether or not they would truly be useful and beneficial to me. Isn't this age and culture I live in just so crazy and swimming in riches that I'm spending my time thinking about these things? My head is spinning with the realization that I even have these choices. What a small, wealthy corner of this HUGE world I live in that my life consists of these kinds of choices.

And yet...these little choices are intricately connected to having an eternal perspective and to worship. They are both significant and insignificant at the same time. For me, however, it can be difficult to hold the two realities together. But I guess that's why He's God and I am not. I guess that's why He still has me here, plodding along toward heaven.


Anyway, those are the musings of a girl steeped in packing...

Birthdays, church, and the cutest baby ever...OR the little big decisions

Yesterday we celebrated Claire's 8th birthday. Claire is my 7year-old - wait! I mean eight year-old - step sister. My mother married her dad last summer. Its kind of like the Brady Bunch, but without all the bell-bottoms and we don't have any brothers. Just 4 sisters: Dominique(23) and Daniella(21), and Sarah(17) and Claire(8). We had the family over for a celebration. It was a small gathering, but it was a big deal. Daniella was "Duchess of Decorations" and she spent upwards of 3 hours turning our house into a birthday extravaganza! Did I mention that there was a 6FT TALL INFLATABLE BIRTHDAY CAKE? yeah. it was sweet.


The scheduling of the party worked out just "perfectly" to where everyone was coming over right as I would normally be heading to the Den (my worship community, call it church if you prefer). A bunch of people were going to be out of town, and a bunch of people were just getting in town and would be there. I look forward to the Den every weekend and felt really torn about leaving the party early or missing the Den. The thought of not helping the Den team when a lot of people wouldn't be there to help wasn't very pleasant. And the thought of not seeing Claire blow out the candles broke my heart.

As you can see from these delightful photographs, I stayed for the party. Honestly, I kind of got seduced by my cousin, Will. He's irresistible. Especially to a photographer. :)


But more than that, I just couldn't reconcile not being around for Claire. She probably wouldn't have really cared or noticed if I had slipped out, but I would have known. Sometimes its those little big things that are hard in life. The little big decisions are the toughest thing for me these days because they have to do with priorities, time, and boundaries. Does it ever get easier to decide how to prioritize and spend one's time? Older people tell me that it only gets harder. That's encouraging! :) But, at least I have these awesome photos of Will to distract me from that prediction...

sleepiness

I really want to update my blog right now, but I'm too sleepy to write anything cohesive.
One exciting thing though: I had the most bizarre experience walking in my sleep last night! I don't think that I have ever sleepwalked before, so it really took me off guard! My sister is home and we are sharing a room and I gave her quite a scare when I jerked open the curtains in the middle of the night and couldn't answer her when she asked me what I was doing. I groggily decided to go the other direction to the bathroom, but it took me a while. I had some wild and bizarre dreams last night.

Off I go to bed...for another adventure.

the image and the visionary

Yesterday I had one of the most intellectually stimulating days I have had in a long time. It was a rich blessing!

I spent the afternoon with my friend, Alina, visiting the Trammell & Margaret Crow Asian Art Collection. To my delight, admission was free and the collection was beautiful. The true reason for our visit, however, was to see their current exhibit. A friend of mine who is a "starving artist" here in Dallas told me that it was "mind blowing!" and that I should make a point to view the exhibit.

He was right. It was unlike anything I had ever seen. The exhibit was by a Korean artist, U-Ram Choe, and it was called "New Media from Seoul." The exhibit was a robotic sculpture collection that depicted fictional creatures that the artist claimed dwell in today's urban cities. His vision was very unique and I found it a little futuristic for my taste, but I really admired his originality and the incredible expertise with which he utilized art, engineering, anthropology, biology, philosophy, and communication. The creatures had a curious and serene nature to them and it was soothing to be in their presence.

We happened upon a lecture led by the museum's director and I was given a quote to think about in the context of the exhibit:
"Art is a technique of communication. The image is the most complete technique of all communication." - Claes Oldenburg

Being in the midst of this artistic fantasy, I began to chew on the role the image plays in communication, especially in art. A lot of art is non-verbal (sculpture, painting...) and a lot of art is strictly verbal (poetry, prose...). Oftentimes I have a vision of something I want to communicate to someone else. I will need them to "get on board" with what I'm invisioning. It usually happens that my wordy explanations of my vision only get us so far. It is when they see it with their own eyes, when they can see, touch, taste, smell, and hear the sounds of the vision that they truly have that "aha!" moment and can say "This is great. Now I know what you were trying to show me!" The director explained that U-Ram Choe's exhibit would have been confusing were the verbal explanations not there. I was thinking of the artist, having a vision, writing about these creatures, and feeling alone in his vision until the image was materially created. Then, once others had the image with its movement and harmony, they would then begin to dip their toe into the pond of his fantasy. The image is the completion of the communication. On its own, it may be lacking. But I have realized lately that a communicator without an image to help the audience can be a lonely visionary.

St. Augustine said, "I can point the finger, but I cannot supply the vision." I often feel like I am pointing my finger for an audience, but I am unable to supply the vision. The audience must catch the vision on their own. And often the person pointing the finger can feel very estranged from the audience because she cannot supply the vision. She can only do so much.

Can you believe the Bible?

How incredible is Jesus!? I have nothing to add to this passage but to share it with you and let God blow you away. This is from the Living Bible. Before you read this, pray that God would let you hear it anew.


"In the beginning the Word already existed. He was with God, and he was God. He was in the beginning with God. He created everything there is. Nothing exists that he didn't make. Life itself was in him and this life gives light to everyone.

The light shines through the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.

God sent John the Baptist to tell everyone about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. John himself was not the light; he was only a witness to the light. The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was going to come into the world. But although the world was made through him, the world didn't recognize him when he came. Even in his own land and among his own people, he was not accepted.

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. They are reborn!

This is not a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan - this rebirth comes from God.

So the Word became human and lived here on earth among us.

He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness.

And we have seen his glory, the glory of the only Son of the Father.

John pointed him out to the people. He shouted to the crowds, "This is the one I was talking about when I said, 'Someone is coming who is far greater than I am, for he existed long before I did.'" We have benefited from the rich blessings he brought to us - one gracious blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; God's unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. But his only Son who is himself God, is near to the Father's heart; he has told us about him.

This was the testimony of John when the Jewish leaders sent priests and Temple assistants from Jerusalem to ask John whether he claimed to be the Messiah. He flatly denied it. "I am not the Messiah," he said.
"Well, then, who are you?" they asked. "Are you Elijah?"
"No," he replied.
"Are you the Prophet?"
"No."
"Then who are you? Tell us, so we can give an answer to those who sent us. What do you have to say about yourself?"

John replied in the words of Isaiah: "I am a voice shouting in the wilderness, 'Prepare a straight pathway for the Lord's coming!'"

Then those who were sent by the Pharisees asked him, "If you aren't the Messiah or Elijah or the Prophet, what right do you have to baptize?"

John told them, "I baptize with water, but right here in the crowd is someone you do not know, who will soon begin his ministry. I am not even worthy to be his slave." This incident took place at Bethany, a village east of the Jordan River, where John was baptizing."

(John 1:1-28)