for love's sake

I have been encountering some beautiful words and some beautiful music lately.

Thursday evening, I had the good fortune to be able to attend the Remedy Tour, and was able to hear both Phil Wickham and David Crowder Band. Good music is refreshing to the soul like cool water poured over the senses. It was a great night. I would go see them again tomorrow night if I were given the chance. I cannot believe that Phil is only 21 years old. He's one of those people who make me anxious to discover more of my giftings and to live into them more. I both delight and grow restless being in the presence of people like that. :)

I am reading Desmund Tutu's "No Future Without Forgiveness" detailing the reconciliation process in post-apartheid South Africa. I'm reading in Palio, a local coffee shop with delightfully large windows that allow me to observe this soggy Portland day. There are some trees outside ablaze with the feeling of autumn. It is a good day.

But about the book...it has nearly brought me to tears (of joy) as I read about the amazing forgiveness that people have offered after such atrocities to their loved ones. Tutu's is a crafty wordsmith, and I have been enjoying his skill with language. I would like to share some of the beautiful things that he has said that have made an impression on me:

"In this theology, we can never give up on anyone because our God was one who had a particularly soft spot for sinners. The Good Shepherd in the parable Jesus told had been quite ready to leave ninety--nine perfectly well-behaved sheep in the wilderness to look for, not an attractive, flufy little lamb - flufy little lambs do no usually stray from their mummies - but for the troublesome, obstreperous old ram. This was the one on which the Good Shepherd expended so much energy. When he found it, it is highly unlikely to have had beautiful fleece. It would have almost certainly have been thoroughly bedraggled and perhaps fallen into a ditch of dirty water and was thus smelling to high heaven. That was the sheep the Good Shepherd had gone after, and when he found it he did not pinch his nostrils in disgust. No, he took it and placed it gently on his shoulders and returned home to throw a party because he had found this lost one. And Jesus says there is GREATER joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine needing no repentence."

"God loves me as I am to help me become all that I have it in me to become, and when I realize the deep love God has for me, I will strive for love's sade to do what pleases my Lover. Those who think this opens the door for moral laxity have obviously never been in love, for love is much more demanding than law."

At the concert, David Crowder said something beautifully profound that I think is a lot of what Tutu is writing about. He said, "If we [Christians] can only live like we sing, the world will surely be a better place." Amen. Let it be so.

embodied: its what's on the inside that counts

art
I had an experience last night that gave me such great joy and a childlike fascination as I reflected over it today. I can honestly say that today was made sufficiently more enjoyable by last night's adventures.

Yesterday, after I spent a good portion of the day on the couch reading for class and sampling all our teas, I decided that I would have a little adventure. I heard that there was an exhibit at the OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry) that was not to be missed. I phoned one of my new Portland friends and we made a midnight visit to see Bodyworlds 3. The exhibit contains actual deceased people's bodies that have been preserved using a process called Plastination. It was obvious that a group of people with significant artistic vision designed the exhibit. Each body was placed in such wonderously beautiful poses, depicting the wonderous strength and originality of the human system. The exhibit was open 24-hrs/day this weekend, so people can come see an exhibit featuring dead people into the wee hours of the night! ...creepy! The intricacy with which the human body has been designed and constructed was stunning. Viewing these muscular forms, I realized how seldom I think about what goes on under the skin. These people were not textbook photos, they were actual living beings at one time, now posing in front of me so artfully, some doing actions that I do, their muscles and tissues in full view. I cannot believe how well we are made. It all fits together so tightly in this compact package of our bodies. The bones provide structure, the tissue cushiones the bones, the muscles provide strength for movement, the nervous system gives the commands...It works so well.

I drove to worship this morning with visions of these bodies in my head. And it hit me all of a sudden - this joy and beauty - that the Creator of the earth and the stars, the heavens and the skies, He took on this form. I thought about all the muscles and the organs. God. God who fashioned humans from his very Words saw our need and took on the form of a human to redeem us. God who created our bodies to feel pain and pleasure, He left the comfort of the heavens to embody himself in the person of Jesus. I thought about the embryos in the exhibit, and it stuns me that this wonderful God took the form of a peanut-sized embryo in the belly of a virgin. He put on flesh and dwelt on the earth in bodily form. I cannot fathom it. The human body seems to me infinitely more beautiful in light of this reality.

This morning's sermon was about Genesis 1. God took seven days to create the earth. He took 9 months to come out of the womb. He went through infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. God was present in the process. God was a part of the process.

I feel both soothed and stoked to think of God undergoing the human processes of birth and life. He took his time. He felt it all. He identifies. He sees us. He loves us. He has redeemed us through the body he created and embodied and raised from the dead. Amazing.

We truly are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Jesus, meet PSU! . . . PSU, meet Jesus?

I have had two weeks of class so far, and I am getting acquainted with Portland State University and the culture of Portland more and more.

In my classes I hear all sorts of interpretations of what "love" and "peace" and "mercy" are from my classmates and professors. Everything seems so relative and aimless and empty without its grounding in Jesus. He is so beautiful and lovely. In the midst of studying peace and reconciliation I am constantly reminded that it is he who provides the ability for love, peace, forgiveness, and mercy. How do we forgive others? How? The act of forgiveness is often painfully difficult. I suppose I am at PSU to hear how people forgive when the do not know Jesus. I don't think that I would forgive anyone if I didn't have a profound example of forgiveness in my life, and even then, I would need th capacity. Jesus provides both for me. The way and the light.

My professor was grasping in the air trying to explain what "mercy" was by definition, and I wanted to whisper "jesus." And my classmates were trying to discuss the meaning of justice, and I so desperetely wanted to say "God!" He is wonderfully just.

I am in a whole new context and culture here in Portland and in my university. It is like nothing I have ever experienced. It is wonderous. It keeps me ever fascinated and contemplating.

It is a culture that finds Christianity abrasive. In many ways, I don't blame them. Some of the people who call themselves Christians seem abrasive to me. Amidst this culture that is a melting pot for spirituality, I am finding ways of being invitational and helpful at helping people to get past their stereotypes, but it is a whole new world here, and I'm taking my time learning what is and is not helpful to say and do right away. The things they want and desire are actually what Jesus offers them, but they do not know that it is offered. And I sit beside them, and pray and talk to Jesus and ask Him to introduce Himself to them.

There is a real hostility toward Christianity here, but people generally appreciate Jesus. They are curious about Him. They want to use His example. I am not spending nearly enough time with Him that I might look like him. Here's a strange thought I have been having: I'm realizing that I perhaps need to spend more time with Jesus than I do with the Church, that I might look more like Him. I need the Church. The Church is my family. However, I have realized that it's fairly easy for me to look like the Church, but not as natural or easy to look like Jesus. I'm a follower or Jesus. I need the Church, but sometimes I get confused about what it means to follow Jesus as I am immersed in it. does that make sense?

...just some thoughts I've been having...

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What did I do?

I've been having one of those "WHAT THE HECK DID I DO?!!!" sort of weeks in regards to moving to Portland and choosing to go to PSU (Portland State University). It seems that in every way possible I am not in Texas, at Westmont, or (this may be a bit too honest or raw for some people ) getting things my way. This is a good experience, but it is not without difficulty and struggle. I chose this place because it was not like Westmont or Texas. I wanted something new. I still do.


But I think that sometimes even though we think we want diverse experiences or adventure or "something new", we still need some fabric of familiarity from which to grab. Amidst downtown parking meters, campus safety after my night class, disorganized academic institutions, classmates saturated in relativity and new-age thinking, and no familiar faces, I am thankful for the newness of it all. I'm thankful that it is not easy. Struggle is a catalyst for many good things.

And things in my home are ever evolving and challenging me. God knows exactly where we need to be stretched and exactly where we need support and encouragement. That's a comfort.

But back to the conversation about desiring "something new" . . . as I said in an earlier blog, there is a lot of idealism that commonly saturates starting over. It is not that we become someone new, more able to deal with life's challenges. Rather, we find ourselves in a new set of challenges. And it is this new set of challenges that requires a new approach to journeying through the struggles and challenges of that stage of life. And I think that there is something of freedom and control to have chosen to change the circumstance and then to have to adapt to a change that you made. It is much more difficult to adapt to the change when it is someone else's choice to change the situation. But that's another lesson...That one I am gradually learning about as well.

The moral of the story is ...well there is no real conclusion to this blog...I'm just rambling...

does anyone relate?

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monkey

Brandi, my roomate, was in the middle of a story the other day when she started yelling "Oh my gosh!!! oh my gosh!!!" as she looked out our front windows.

"What!!!!?" I responded.

"A MONKEY! ON A BIKE!!! LOOK! GO OUT AND LOOK!"

Sure enough, I went outside and there was a man on a bicycle with a big fuzzy 6-foot stuffed monke! He was just cruisin'. No big deal. The monkey was bigger than the bicycle. Its tail was probably 4ft long. It was quite a sight.

I didn't get a photo. but it was incredible. trust me.

this photo I found on google images. The monkey was that scale in comparison with the bike, and it was a normal-sized bike!

urban joy

I had forgotten how much I love living in the city. I haven't really lived in a city in about 4 years, since I spent a semester in San Francisco. I had forgotten how different and wonderful it is. There is something about living iso close to everyone that energizes me with a childlike curiosity. I find myself pausing to enjoy watching or listening to a myriad of things that one only finds when one's neighbors are so close.

Things I love:
-the kids walking in front of our house each morning and afternoon on their way to school. I love how their backpacks look fluffy and too big for their bodies.
-the random conversations that I get to eavesdrop on in coffee shops...sometimes I don't like these though... ;)
-looking out my bedroom window to see my neighbor's puppies wrestle in the backyard
-driving over the Willamette R. at sunset and seeing the lights of the buildings and the clouds create a masterpiece
-walking everywhere
-city parks!!!
-getting to know my neighbors and developing friendships and community
-not being able to hide from homelessness and poverty around me
-quirky coffee shops everywhere
-The coffee shop I'm in right now andthe woman sitting at the table next to me who is balancing her checkbook while her baby sleeps in her arms, wrapped up in her red scarf, her hand gently holding his head.
-weird and interesting people all around
-randomness

I don't know, but I like living around all these people and witnessing all these little moments a lot more than I like the privacy of suburbia. All the unexpected beauty and interaction and difficulty is teaching me and drawing me out.

A beautiful new place. Here I am...here am I....

I moved to Portland ten days ago. It has been a wonderful ten days. I have had many "only in Portland" moments that have delighted me. A few to share would be:
-hiking with my roomate, Jenni, in Forest Park. (a wonderous forest wilderness in downtown Portland!)
-driving over the Willamette River at night with the city twinkling and reflecting off the water
-spending time at Powell's City of Books, losing track of time amidst new and used books and buying bi-lingual Dr. Seuss books
-Pinot Noirs, Tillamook cheese, and marionberries...enough said.

My roomates are amazing. My house is quickly beginning to feel welcoming. I am getting to know the city. I am beginning a few friendships. I am spending time with old family friends. I am listening and seeking carefully in this season. Life is good. Really good.

Amidst all the excitement of getting used to this new "home" I have come to a few sobering realizations. First, I have realized that just because I want to be a person of a certain integrity and character doesn't mean that I actually am or that I will suddenly wake up to be able to make the right choices or set the right boundaries. Just because I want to be on time doesn't mean that I am actually succeeding at doing it. Just because I want to be more guarded in some of my conversations doesn't mean that I know how to do that well. And just because I want to live missionally and love incarnationally doesn't mean that I know how to live that way yet. So I have been failing and rethinking things and forgiving myself a lot. I am realizing how unwise and immature I am. I am realizing that relocation does not mean renovation of the heart. And I am realizing that the only cure for loneliness and wrestlessness is quality time in prayer. and that sometimes the times when we most need to pray are the times that it is the most difficult. I suppose that is why it is called "spiritual DISCIPLINE." I am coming to terms with how undisciplined I am and how in need of some discipline I can be.

All in all, these realizations make me thankful for grace - from God and from others. I am thankful that I believe in redemption, healing, and the start of a new day.

A Miracle DAY

Today I witnessed a miraculous turn of events.

The moving company has been scheduled for weeks, and they told me that they would drop off the truck today in the afternoon and pick it up on wednesday morning. Great! So a few of my friends agreed to come over after work to help me move some of the heavy stuff into the van. Last night, I get a call around 6:30pm saying that they will have to come in the morning and pick thr truck up around 5pm - right when all my help is supposed to begin. I couldn't get ahold of them until this morning and found out that they couldn't supply me with any help for the labor, and that the truck company couldn't pick my stuff up from a residential address...

It seemed like a "Mr. Bean moment" where things just keep getting worse. I kept trying to remember that roomates, a house, and a graduate program have all been provided for me and that God is still in control and loving...but it was difficult to say the least. I had all my stuff ready, and the company seemed to be dropping me ON my moving day!

To make a long story short, after a bit if prayer and some phone calls, I not only had the truck within an hour, but I could keep it for a while and I had professional help in moving my stuff in - all for a really reasonable cost! And my stuff loaded in the truck in only 2 hours! It was incredible!

At 8am, I was sitting in confusiona and disappointment, and by 4pm all my stuff was loaded in the van securely and on its way to Oregon!

I give thanks to the One who controls it all and took such good care of me today - in freaking me out a bit and in taking the burden.

I'm on my way to Portland!

portland, here I come!

September 4th is rapidly approaching. That day will mark the beginning of the Portland chapter of my life. I've changed my "location" online to Portland (I suppose I have "moved" in virtual space) but I have not yet physically relocated to Portland! Tuesday September 4th.

I've been packing a lot of boxes as of late. Packing boxes and choosing which furniture to take have been my daily acticities. My mom has given me a ton of furniture and miscellaneous items for the move. I cannot believe how much God has been providing for me in this move through my family's generosity. I had been pretty much taking everything she was passing my way, until I realized just how much stuff I had agreed to take. It occurred to me yesterday that I really don't want to clutter my future life with a ton of things that I don't need. My room in my mom's house is full of things that have memories, but I don't know what exactly I need them for...

I really want to have a lot less clutter in my future life. Less things mean less maintenance! It is just so easy to cling on to all the little things. Interestingly enough, a lot of what I've been studying as I've read the Bible this week has been specifically on eternity and perspective.

"What does it profit a woman to gain the whole world and forfeit her soul?" (Mark 8:36, paraphrase)

Thomas a'Kempis said "Use temporal things for their proper uses, but make things of eternity the object of your deisre."

As lovely as the stuff I'm getting is, and as grateful as I am to receive it, I feel a definite weariness in accumulating tons of things...especially if I am feeling a desperate need to simplify and de-clutter my life. The thought of moving into my house in Portland with tons of clutter and never having a place for things and just having junk explode out of drawers and from under the bed - what a night mare! I get a bit queesy just thinking about it.

And besides that, the really interesting thing is that as much as I like the "pretty things," the more I get to know this incredible and loving Jesus, the more I have a slight sense of the insignificance of all these beautiful things around me. They are incredible, and I am humbled by the generosity of my family...and yet I keep my distance.

It is easy for me to acquire things without really taking an inventory of whether or not they would truly be useful and beneficial to me. Isn't this age and culture I live in just so crazy and swimming in riches that I'm spending my time thinking about these things? My head is spinning with the realization that I even have these choices. What a small, wealthy corner of this HUGE world I live in that my life consists of these kinds of choices.

And yet...these little choices are intricately connected to having an eternal perspective and to worship. They are both significant and insignificant at the same time. For me, however, it can be difficult to hold the two realities together. But I guess that's why He's God and I am not. I guess that's why He still has me here, plodding along toward heaven.


Anyway, those are the musings of a girl steeped in packing...

Birthdays, church, and the cutest baby ever...OR the little big decisions

Yesterday we celebrated Claire's 8th birthday. Claire is my 7year-old - wait! I mean eight year-old - step sister. My mother married her dad last summer. Its kind of like the Brady Bunch, but without all the bell-bottoms and we don't have any brothers. Just 4 sisters: Dominique(23) and Daniella(21), and Sarah(17) and Claire(8). We had the family over for a celebration. It was a small gathering, but it was a big deal. Daniella was "Duchess of Decorations" and she spent upwards of 3 hours turning our house into a birthday extravaganza! Did I mention that there was a 6FT TALL INFLATABLE BIRTHDAY CAKE? yeah. it was sweet.


The scheduling of the party worked out just "perfectly" to where everyone was coming over right as I would normally be heading to the Den (my worship community, call it church if you prefer). A bunch of people were going to be out of town, and a bunch of people were just getting in town and would be there. I look forward to the Den every weekend and felt really torn about leaving the party early or missing the Den. The thought of not helping the Den team when a lot of people wouldn't be there to help wasn't very pleasant. And the thought of not seeing Claire blow out the candles broke my heart.

As you can see from these delightful photographs, I stayed for the party. Honestly, I kind of got seduced by my cousin, Will. He's irresistible. Especially to a photographer. :)


But more than that, I just couldn't reconcile not being around for Claire. She probably wouldn't have really cared or noticed if I had slipped out, but I would have known. Sometimes its those little big things that are hard in life. The little big decisions are the toughest thing for me these days because they have to do with priorities, time, and boundaries. Does it ever get easier to decide how to prioritize and spend one's time? Older people tell me that it only gets harder. That's encouraging! :) But, at least I have these awesome photos of Will to distract me from that prediction...